Well there just ain't money in music like there used to be I'm sure you've heard it all before how the internet's upended the whole industry So I adjusted my life plans to account for a little more domesticity And I'm looking for a lover Who's able to support me financially Well I've often heard it said that the way to a mans heart is through his stomach Whoever coined that phrase must have never met a man with an empty wallet No I'd never need to worry about the lack of money that I'm making If I can just find me a baby who's able to bring home the proverbial bacon Oh, I've come to terms with it I ain't gonna pay the bills with my singing So I'm gonna dawn an apron and I'll spend my life gold digging Oh I'm lookin I'm looking for that moneyed kinda lovin I'm the worlds first Country Music Trophy Husband Yeah it's come high time we dismantle that old patriarchy And I'm just doin my part when I stay home and keep this kitchen sparkling clean Well some folks say I'm lazy for wanting to stay everyday at home I tell em that's an awfully small minded thing to be callin a feminist hero Well I've come to terms with it I ain't gonna pay the bills with my singin So I'm gonna dawn an apron and I'll spend my life gold diggin Oh I'm lookin Oh I'm looking for that moneyed kinda lovin I'm the worlds first country music trophy husband Self proclaimed Alfas cry out in distress They equate my income to my manliness They work jobs they hate I stay home and rest They're playing checkers I'm playing chess

Well, I rolled out of bed and I checked my phone It was the weekly end of the world And so I called my friend with several acres of land Said, let's start a cult, my man He said, Carl, you must be out your goddamn mind There's no way we convince people that we're divine You've had ego issues in the past, my friend But you've outdone yourself this time But don't it sound nice to have 17 wives And live off the land and have campfires every night How hard could it really be to form a new society Just wave your hands and say we got what you need He said, Carl, you might have me convinced You are quite well known for your charismaticness And our organization could be quite amazing What's the worst that could come of this So I put some ads up on some websites Are you searching for a deeper purpose in life? If every single day just feels so mundane I can make all of that change Yeah, we grow our own food out in the garden We host group yoga every morning So just take the night to open your third eye And we think you'll fit in just fine You're so special and we all care about you But there's one or two things you're gonna need to prove We need loyalty of the highest degree speaking strictly financially Yeah, but don't it sound great to live free of hate Just come with us, your happiness awaits Just join our tribe, we promise you'll thrive We think you'll find it's well worth the fine We've been growing our numbers for six months or so And then I got a call on the telephone And I could not believe who was speaking to me It was the US military They said, sir, we've been watching you We are quite impressed Your people sign away their lives without a second guess If you care to share any tips of the trade name your price, it'll get paid I said, it's not complex, I'm sure you'll agree Nobody's problems in life are really all that unique So today you can make the problems go away, keep the details vague Yeah, make it sound like you can fix their lives And all you need are their initials on the dotted line Just give them something to believe A purpose or cause they can follow blindly And when you're starting a cult, confusion is your friend, That might sound evil, It's just a means to an end So play your cards close to the table and you might end up with a thriving cult Yeah, play your cards close to the table And you might end up with a thriving cult

I will learn to live with less, I will learn to live with less For the chances of survival, which are everybody's best I will learn to live with less I miss that feeling, like things might someday land back on their feet Like if we cry out for long enough, things would improve eventually I think back on that feeling and think, oh honey, how naive We both know that ain't how things are going to be I will learn to live with less, I will learn to live with less For the chances of survival, which are everybody's best I will learn to live with less Now every time I take a glance back through history I see all the million mistakes we seem doomed to repeat Cause they update their slogans, or fuck it, recycle an old one We fall for it so consistently I will learn to live with less, I will learn to live with less Because any good drug dealer will convince you they're your friend I will learn to live with less Ask any world leader from the past 500 years Nothing unites a people like instilling them with fear So the buzzwords might change, but the story always stays the same This has all happened before, this will all happen again I will learn to live with less, I will learn to live with less We are drowning in our own opulence, so I really think it's best If I learn to live with less I will learn to live with, learn to live with, learn to live with less

So I was sitting in my kitchen like I do most nights I was tryna make some sense of the song I was writing And then my roommate came in He looked quite frightened So I asked him, Buddy, what's wrong? My roommate said, This might sound absurd but I am certain that we are Being observed There are cameras on the stoplights, cameras on the cranes They're being used by the police state! They're listening to all of our conversations! They're watching us while were fornicating! God only knows how much information these pervs have access to! Well, I was a little concerned and I was a little confused But fortunately I knew just what to do! I busted out my pen and my faithful guitar And I started writing the Talking Paranoia Blues Now, you're probably asking yourself The Talking Paranoia Blues? What on earth is that? I've never heard of such a thing Well, allow me to explain The Talking blues are a sacred tradition You rhyme a few times then there's a transition To a section that's free of rhyme or form That's how the talking blues are born! See? I can say anything I need to right here! Just as long as I don't stray too far off topic Which reminds me I said, Buddy this answer is liable to annoy yah But I think what you're experiencing is called paranoia Most everybody's felt paranoid where they're stoned It's an uneasy feeling like you ain't quite alone Just go lay down, by morning you'll feel fine Just try and lay off the George Orwell in the meantime But sometimes an idea you hear when you're high Can get stuck way back in the recesses of your mind Like a popcorn kernel or a raspberry seed That gets caught way back in the top of your teeth And so this condition of Orwellian anxiety Has begun to plague me! Even in my sobriety! Is it really so outlandish to think that our society Is under somebody's watchful view? What if big brother has been here all along? And Orwell just got a few details wrong? The government ain't the ones tryna monitor us It's companies! Tryna sell us products! Keep tabs on people learn their wants and needs Slap targeted adds right in their news feeds! It's a disquieting notion but if you know it's true Then YOU got a case of the Talking Paranoia Blues! Big Brother! Big Brother It's you and no one other Couldn't get rid of yah Even if we wanted to We'll never get rid of you It's pretty clear we love you Think for a moment, take a look round your home How many devices do you reckon you own? Your car, your laptop, your TV remote I'm hard pressed to find thing without microphones! They made a nice add, and wouldn't you know? We welcomed big brother right into our home! We covered the cost, They asked our permission We agreed to every single term and condition! If you're living at all it wouldn't be hard to watch it The data's right there inside your front pocket Your grocery list, who you're tryna date Your daily steps, even your heart rate! Hell, most of these songs start out in the Notes app of my Iphone Sheesh. maybe I otta be a little more careful Otherwise you might see an Apple branded Carl Christensen knock off artist running around There's hardly any money in folk music though, so I'd think we're safe Big Brother! Big Brother! It's you and no one other! We couldn't get rid of yah Even if we wanted to We'll never get rid of you! It's pretty clear we love you! So that's been my story of paranoid woe I wish I had a happy ending for yah here but I don't I just lay awake at night and I try to learn to cope With living inside of a black mirror episode And I wonder if Orwell could have ever have foreseen Big Brother being born out of corporate greed I'm sorry that I rambled but it's all that I can do I got a terrible case of the Talkin Paranoia Blues

I was far from the only one who was Inadequately prepared for The world to be blasted back to the Stone Age In the Second Great American Civil War Well, I squandered my college years on music and songwriting If I'd known back then what I know now I would've stuck to the hunting and gathering Now I don't have much to speak of When it comes to survival skills There's no way that I can keep myself alive So I'm gonna have to find somebody Who will But unless our tribe leaders decide that we require entertainment via music When the end of days comes Oh, I'm gonna be fuckin' useless Unfortunately for me, I doubt that the post-apocalyptic economy Will have a large demand for one-man bands offering political commentary But maybe if I'm lucky, I can find myself in the employment Of a doomsday prepper with an artsy streak Who needs a symphony composed for their enjoyment But the moment I feel uninspired or my creativity runs dry I doubt my new patron will harbor much patience So I'm gonna start looking for a comfortable place to Die But unless our tribe leader decides that we require entertainment via music When the end of days comes Oh, I'm gonna be fuckin' useless Alright, take it from the bridge now If anybody knows of an all-female tribe seeking a First-generation male concubine I can brush up my resume Tell me where do I apply But if there be four times for anything to go by I likely won't be the applicant that they had in mind My awkward adolescence left me wildly underqualified And there's a lot of job enjoyment in employment via coitus So I'm probably not gonna be the only guy in line But unless our tribe leader decides that we require entertainment via music When the end of days comes I'm gonna be fuckin' useless I will say it again, when the end of days comes I'm gonna be fuckin' useless

Well, it was just another day at your local church They were closing up shop after a day of God's work When suddenly the telephone began to ring The priest picked up and said, House of the Lord Do you have any sins you'd like to repent for And the voice on the end said, it's you who will be repenting The priest furrowed his brow and he said, who's this The voice said, an attorney and my client Has a legal obligation to inform you you're being sued The priest was shocked, he didn't know what to say He hadn't expected a lawsuit that day So he just said, sir, I am very, very confused The attorney explained, your scripture was right That second coming that you foresaw has arrived God's son himself has come back to life And there ain't much money in being a Savior So he figured he'd need a pretty good lawyer Now I legally represent Mr. Jesus Christ Oh, your day of judgment, it is fast approaching You sold his image, now you'll pay the price We're the most righteous legal team That the world has ever seen I'm the attorney for Mr. Jesus Christ The priest said, what we praise Jesus What possible reason could he have to sue us We've been preaching his good word to the world this whole time He replied, exactly, you preached his word And my client missed out on every penny you earned And you grossly violated his intellectual property rights The attorney continued, for what it's worth We plan on prosecuting many a church Who's appropriated Mr. Christ's holy image You've talked an awful lot about a day of judgment But a date in court's probably not what you meant Regardless, my client will receive what is rightfully his After months of discovery, the court date arrived The defense bench was the most surreal sight It was a laundry list of evangelical wealth There was Jim Baker, Kenneth Copeland Michael and Debie Pearl, Pat Robertson Jerry Falwell and even the Pope himself Oh, your day of judgment, it is fast approaching You sold his image, now you'll pay the price We're the most righteous legal team That the world has ever seen I'm the attorney for Mr. Jesus Christ The trial dragged on for day after day And the attorney demonstrated each and every way These men had been making money fist over hand Tensions were rising and it seemed probable That every man in that courtroom might just explode The day Jesus Christ himself went and took the stand You can say what you want about Emanuel But he knew how to talk to a crowd pretty well The courtroom was hanging on each and every word The stenographer typed in a sublime fervor She understood she was documenting the Savior And Jesus started by saying, this is just absurd Back in my day I was a very poor man I lived off scraps and I traveled the land These men twisted my words for opulence and wealth Now you've built your fortunes asking what would I do And I honestly think I'd beat the hell out of you Matta fact, I'll save us some time and I'll do it myself Jesus rolled up his sleeves and he jumped out the booth The judge cried, order But it was no use The fight was on and nobody could stop it now Jesus said, forgive me Father, I'm about to sin Then he punched the Pope right in his upper lip And holy blood spilled down on the Pope's white gown The Pope fought back in a near-blind rage He threw a good punch for a man his age And he knocked old Jesus Christ back onto the ground Preachers all bolted like sharks after blood They made a rush on God's only Son And with two men per limb they pinned poor Jesus down Televangelists screamed, he's Socialist Scum But a feminist too, something must be done Our power will be compromised if we don't silence him Cause if these men were called out by the Son of God Then they'd be exposed as total frauds And they'd find themselves with no congregation Now what happened next might be hard to believe But in the courtroom sketch it can clearly be seen An image straight out of Mark chapter 15 A cross had been raised in the middle of the room And there was Jesus with his palms nailed through It was a modern day crucifixion scene Well your day of judgment is fast approaching You stole his image, now you'll pay the price We're the most righteous legal team that the world has ever seen Oh I'm the attorney for Mr. Jesus This is the part where I include a line About how history often has a tendency to rhyme And when you take note of the pattern It goes without being said If you threaten the power of the wealthy you'll end up dead Amen

I'm dozens of women's bachelorette night secret A view you're gonna remember for the rest of your life For them it's a once in a lifetime sexual novelty But for me it's just another Friday night I got wise and left my 9 to 5 behind me I couldn't let that routine run my whole life Now I'm everybody's favorite employee And save a horse, ride a cowboy Is the song I do my routine to at night Most weekends you can find me at your local venue If the price is right I'll perform at your private event But if the live shows run slow I can always just stay home And make my money on the cams Cause I'm dozens of women's bachelorette night secret A view you're gonna remember for the rest of your life For them it's a once in a lifetime sexual novelty But for me it's just another Friday night The live shows I put on are just the tip of the iceberg Unless you're on my only fans you ain't seen nothing yet Now you may hear my profession in scoff But when you send a dick pic you get blocked When I send a dick pic I pay my rent No matter how you make your money you sell your body All I've done is cut out the middle man Cause I could serve you coffee early in the morn Or I could run the risk of being called a man whore Either way I'm just beating the market's demands Why don't you talk to him Jake Oh I'm dozens of women's bachelorette night secret A view you're gonna remember for the rest of your life For them it's a once in a lifetime sexual novelty But for me it's just another For me it's just another Oh for me it's just another Friday night

I don't want to get high everyday But every day I want to get high I wish I could laugh at that I don't want to live like that I wish I could laugh at that I don't want to live like that But God damn does it feel good When the colors seem a little more vibrant And the jokes seem a little more funny And the girls seem a little more pretty And all my problems feel so far away I want to feel like that every day I don't want to get drunk everyday But every day I want to get drunk I wish I could laugh at that I don't want to live like that I wish I could laugh at that I don't want to live like that But God damn does it feel good When the conversations flow easily And I seem a little more friendly Strangers seem more friendly Ragdoll smiles, eyes all glazed I want to feel like that every day Ever since I was a kid All I wanted was to detach And this quasi-conscious state Has been the closest thing to that And I'm barely even there But god damn, I'm so relaxed I don't want to be numb everyday But every day I want to be numb I wish I could laugh at that I don't want to live like that I wish I could laugh at that I don't want to live like that But god damn does it feel good When the world seems so distant And I seem so distant Insignificant and small Slack jawed, bug-eyed Staring at the wall Why does it feel so good to feel Nothing at all Ever since I was a kid All I wanted was to detach And this quasi-conscious state Has been the closest thing to that And I'm barely even there But god damn, I'm so relaxed How could you ever blame someone For wanting to feel that

Now do you take pride in your constant state of sadness? Do you think that it's romantic? Do you find it grand and tragic? You better find a snappy way to make sure you stand out on a shelf Any Renaissance man will tell you that your art wont sell itself So I been watching my words make sure I'm posting on brand Everything is scripted it just never sounds planed An actor and a singer and a liar and a stripper Do the same jobs wearing different clothes But I was given this body it's filled with blemishes and flaws And this asymmetric face that no designer shirt could solve So I ain't gonna sell no records based on my sex appeal So I better make sure that every fucking word I write is real Why not make something easy? Just get tossed into a playlist Make some Spotify cash by going totally unnoticed The thought has crossed my mind and I ain't too proud to admit it You gotta take anything that you can get But I'm not gonna take it just yet. I dreamt of a baby it was choking on single use plastic And a congress man was claiming that's not a cause for panic Then he opened up his coat and out spilled oil covered bills And he tried to use them to clean the blood out from his finger nails So I asked him what's your plan for when the water rises up? Mine's to fashion a raft out of Chick-Fa-Ley styrofoam cups That old man's gonna die along with his degenerate ideals But these cups are gonna out live all of us What profit do you turn when you ignore the science? And what prophet live or dead would be maintaining silence? Do you sleep well at night with all these deaths on your conscience? Is your fortune 500 keeping you warm? And I think the biggest lie we tell ourselves is you can't buy an election Just try and swallow that pill down when you see how much the winners spend And Our fearless leaders only serve the highest bidders They're not the heroes that they'd have you to believe They'd be nothing if not for greed Now how do you tell a child that this world is gonna kill him? Either slowly and surly or in a sudden cataclysm? One, Two, Three, Four, How badly I wish that I had all the answers for him To live a guilt-free life and leave 0 carbon foot print But I got stars and stripes in my accent My birthplace always shows You can take the boy out of America But you know how the rest of the phrase goes Who would I be serving if I disserted my home? You can only run so far from your bloodline And I was born and raised on land that was stolen By my grandfather's father and his father before him I'm a side effect of genocide I'm probably gonna spend the rest of my life Attempting to empathize without ever being patronizing What a fool I am to task myself with fixing the world When the only thing I'm good for are these chords and my words As if screaming into microphones could solve anything But at least I'm doing something This is all that I know how to do I'm just trying to speak some truth